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The Depth of My Sadness… January 14, 2007

Posted by Brian L. Belen in Ramblings.

…can be felt long before I have to leave. It strikes me in small doses: A person’s remark that I’d only just gotten here and I’ll be off again soon. The thought of the things I won’t get to do or the the company I won’t get to enjoy while I’m away, not to mention the meals I’ll be eating alone. And of course the realization that I’ll be doing my own laundry again for the next couple of months.

Horror of horrors.

But what really hurts is thinking about all the people I’ll be leaving behind, and what they’ll be doing (without me!). Where my friends are concerned – and I don’t have many: I’m all for quality, not quantity, and have no illusions of the…regard that others have for me – it just smarts realizing that I’ve fallen off the radar of nearly everyone I know and have very little to show for it while they move along in their lives to better and brighter things. As for my family, at least I will see them again in May, probably for the annual jaunt “to get away from it all”.

And then there is that one thing. When I think about that, it’s just dizzying how amazingly lucky I am and at the same time how screwed up my situation is as I continue to pursue I know neither what nor what for anymore. That’s when the hurt really begins. And it’s not just any hurt. Pain is more like it, the gut-wrenching kind that kills you slowly. I know that this is mostly impatience and impulsiveness – I am young, with the future lies before me, the world is my oyster! – but, ah, what a time to be impatient and impulsive!

This just goes to show that sometimes the wounds that sting the most are self-inflicted. Or maybe I’m still stuck on having to do the damned wash.



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